Never So Lost


Lately I've been feeling...I don't know what I'm feeling. I don't know if I can put it into words. I'm a mix of revolving emotions, one rotating into the next depending on the day and how I'm feeling as I struggle through this illness, as I fight my way back to purpose and happiness. Currently, I'm somewhere between accepting that this is my life right now--days spent resting and writing as I heal my body and mind--and wishing for something--everything--more. I'm a dreamer. It's who I've always been, and who I'll always be. I don't know how to stop imagining a better world for others, for myself. I don't know how to give up. In many ways, I don't know how to let go. It's why I'm still here, still fighting, still doing whatever it takes to get better. Because I want a future for myself...

I just don't know what that looks like anymore.

This illness has changed me, irrevocably. I like to think I'm better, bolder, stronger, but it's also changed me in unexpected ways. Because of that, I feel a little lost sometimes.

All my life, I've had a clear vision of who I am, what I wanted, and where I was headed. Now, I just don't know. The days blend together, one into the next. It's lonely, and yet I crave this solitude. It's tedious and unexciting, and yet it's what I have. And so I keep looking forward to an hour here or there spent working at the bookstore, a dinner with friends, a movie with family--anything to break up the monotony, little moments steeped in purpose and reason, something to keep me believing that there's so much more than this--

OK, I'm gonna stop you right there.

Uh, do you mind, Universe? I'm in the middle of spilling my heart out. Which is exactly why I'm here.

Except you haven't been here. In a really long time... You changed websites. I got lost.

That doesn't make any--

So, now that I'm here again, I need you to listen up, and listen hard.

This feels familiar...

Just like old times, right? Let me ask you this, Susan. If I were to walk you through your life and show you every trial and every triumph, every struggle and every accomplishment, everyone you've loved, everyone who's loved you, and every life you've affected just by your being in it--even if only for a moment, even if only in passing--would you still need a reason then? Or would you finally believe that you were worthy of this life, that you were meant to be here? Because let me make it perfectly clear: you are here for one reason and one reason alone...To live. To be. To love. I think that's three things...

You don't need any signs--which, believe me, it pains me to say because you know I love those tootsie rolls. You just need to believe it yourself. Be who you are--that beautiful, sacred you. Shine brightly, love generously, and share your voice. I know you think you're not making a difference right now. I know you feel lost and left behind, I know you're angry with me--don't think I don't see those journal pages--but I've never abandoned you. I never will. You're never so lost that you can't be found.

I said that, a long time ago.

That's great. Maybe this time you'll believe it. You can't understand it right now because you're not meant to, but you're exactly where I need you to be. You're learning to take care of yourself, learning to love yourself freely in the same way you want to love the world, learning to trust me. Trust me, I'm here. Hear me when I speak to your heart. Believe me when I whisper that you're worthy of this life and the people who love you. Listen closely when I tell you that you are more than enough. I hear you. I'm listening. I just don't know how to believe that yet. It's a process. And today is a start. Besides, I know you keep a jar of tootsie rolls in the kitchen.

I'm not going anywhere.

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Susan Pogorzelski.